Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Project Un-Pickled Pear

24 Days to Go

This space may need to be hijacked for a period, in order to explore and work through this one aspect of my independence.

They say the hardest thing is admitting you have a problem. Well, we'll wait and see. :)

I spent last night feeling pretty wretched, but with "a little help from my friends", and my hubby, I've made a plan. Independence does not mean being isolated.

I have realised that the problem is not in the quantity of alcohol I was consuming, or even the harm it was causing me. Because I could, quite legitimately, choose to live a life of decadence. A shorter life no doubt, a fiery existence of hedonistic destruction, living hard and fast and briefly. the problem is, I have not chosen this.

In my conscious thoughts, my plan is to live a long and healthy life with my beloved husband, to be a fit and active and sober mother in the near-ish future. But my actions have not been leading to this. My actions have in fact been the very opposite to those that would bring me to my dreams.

It is time to take back control.

I have decided that I need to re-set my behaviours. Starting with a term of abstinence. I do not intend to give up alcohol forever, but it has been a long time since I have even had a day without alcohol (other than the occasional hang-over that was so horrific that even I could not handle a curative glass of bubbly) that I need to prove to myself that I CAN still live without.

So, from now until the night of the election, I am not allowed a drop of liquor.

After that, I'll see how I feel about alcohol. Whether I think I can have a celebratory (or commiseratory) drink, or few, without going too far. Whether I feel I can want a drink, and choose to have it, or whether I still feel the need for a drink.

Today, I feel so much better than yesterday that I am elated with this plan. But I am still so shell-shocked from the pain I put myself through, and just so pleased to have made a plan, that this could very be a honeymoon period.

I will keep you posted.

No comments:

Post a Comment