Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Silence, white noise, serenity. My new themes.
I am silencing the angry voices within by silencing the mean voices from without. Bitter reflections on all the sins of the world - the petty, the immoral and the plain irritating - have for too long crowded my brain. The only way is to avoid the irritants - to welcome actual silence from and toward the outside world. The more reclusive I become the more attractive further seclusion grows. I crave a larger city not for more society, but for greater anonymity.
The Bastard has, at last, cut contact without notice - an inevitable, not wished for, silence. My prediction of phones that never answer now more literally true than intended. Strange to have him alive in the world yet as though he is not; balancing those times when an actual death - the one permanent thing - manifests as mere temporary absence from the here and now.
The little one is rarely silent, but still wordless. A noisy sort of silence. When asleep the only sound the whirring of the fan and the crackle of the baby-monitor. White-noise to soothe him and assure me of his continued existence.
And husband is playing chess. A wooden set gives aesthetically pleasing life to his online world.
The future does not speak, nor the universe. All is meaninglessness and I embrace it.